Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."

---

Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

---

Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

---

Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."

---

Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"

---

Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

---

Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."

---

Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

---

Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."

---

Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."

---

Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

---

Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

---

Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

---

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

---

Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

---

Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

---

Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

---

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

---

Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

---

Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

---

Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

---

Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

---

Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

---

Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

---

Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

---

Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

---

Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

---

Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

---

Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."

---

Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

---

Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

---

Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

---

Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

---

Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."

---

Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

---

Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

---

Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

---

Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."

---

Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

---

Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
Witness: "Fair."

---

Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

---

Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
Witness: "My ex-widow said it.

---

Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."

---

Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

---

Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

---

Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

---

The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

---

Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."

---

Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

---

Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."

---

Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
Witness: "She is my daughter."
Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

---

Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

---

Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

---

Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

---

Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."

---

Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

---

Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

---

Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

---

Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."

---

Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

---

Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

Labels: courtroom, funny, idiots, law, lawyer, quote

 

Found this on a site - it had loads of religious bullsh*t weaved into it, so I stripped that out and it is now pretty funny.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Never answer an anonymous letter.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Nuke the Whales.
Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
You can't have everything; where would you put it?
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
DNA: National Dyslexic Association.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
DARE to keep cops off donuts.
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
All generalizations are false.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
No matter where you go, you're there.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
It's been Monday all week.
Gravity always gets me down.
This statement is false.
Eschew obfuscation.
They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Life is too complicated in the morning.
We are all part of the ultimate statistic—ten out of ten die.
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
I intend to live forever. So far so good.
Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I
I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
Evolution: True science fiction.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.

Labels: funny, one-liners

 

Here are some great computer programming jokes. I admit only geeks would find this stuff funny. Enjoy.

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Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, "Are you ill?"
The second byte replies, "No, just feeling a bit off."

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Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Can I get you anything?"

"Yeah," reply the bytes. "Make us a double."

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Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

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How many programers dose it take to change a light bulb?
None - It's a hardare problem

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Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.

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There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.

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A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams.

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"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
very long pause….
"Java."

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Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.

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Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

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A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, "Can't you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!"

To which the man replies, "I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings; we only worry about errors."

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There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.

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A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish."

The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, "I'd want peace in the Middle East."

The genie responds, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits."

The programmer then says, "Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes."

At which point the genie responds, "Um, let me see that map again."

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All programmers are playwrights, and all computers are lousy actors.

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Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It's so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.

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The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

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"I just saw my life flash before my eyes and all I could see was a close tag…"

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The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.

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Debugging: Removing the needles from the haystack.

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Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"

The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"

"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."

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From the Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary:

Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.

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The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. - The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook

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One hundred little bugs in the code
One hundred little bugs.
Fix a bug, link the fix in,
One hundred little bugs in the code.

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A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"

The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want'."

The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

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CIA - Computer Industry Acronyms

CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
SCSI: System Can't See It
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
DOS: Defunct Operating System
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
PnP: Plug and Pray
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You're Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.

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Why computers are like men:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

Why computers are like women:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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Laws of Computer Programming

1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
5. Any program will expand to fill available memory.
6. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.
8. Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.
9. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
10. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

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* Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.
* Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
* Woltman's Law: Never program and drink beer at the same time.
* Gallois' Revelation: If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled, and no one dares to criticize it.

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A programmer finds himself in front of a committee that decides whether he should go to Heaven or Hell. The committee tells the programmer he has a say in the matter and asks him if he wants to see either Heaven or Hell before stating his preference.

"Sure," the programmer replies. "I have a pretty good idea what Heaven is like, so let's see Hell." So an angel takes the programmer to a sunny beach, full of beautiful women in skimpy bikinis playing volleyball, listening to music and having a great time. "Wow!" he exclaims, "Hell looks great! I'll take Hell!"

Instantly the programmer finds himself in red-hot lava with demons tearing at his flesh. "Where's the beach? The music? The women?" he screams frantically to the angel.

"That was the demo," the angel replies as she vanishes.

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Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well," says God, "let us see if Jesus has fared any better."

Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckles, "Everybody knows… Jesus saves."

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Redneck Computer Terms

LOG ON: Makin' a woodstove hot.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gittin' the farwood off the truck.
MEGA HERTZ: When you're not keerfull gittin' the farwood.
FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much farwood.
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE: Gittin' home in the winter time.
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside.
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season.
BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
MODEM: Whutcha do to the hay fields.
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD: Whar you hang the dang truck keys.
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes.
MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole.
MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine.
ENTER: Northerner talk fer, "C'mon in, y'all."
CLICK: Whut you hear when you cock your gun.
DOUBLE CLICK: When the dang gun don't far when you pull the trigger.
REBOOT: Whut you have to do at bedtime when you forgot the kitty's still outside.

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Software Development Cycles

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…

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Top 10 phrases spoken by a Klingon Programmer

1. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
2. By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
3. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
4. Our competitors are without honor!
5. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
6. This machine is GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!
7. Perhaps it IS a good day to die! I say we ship it!
8. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
9. My program has just dumped Stova Core!
10. Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!

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The programmer compiled an array of reasons as to why he can't find a girlfriend with a good on her , reason 0 being that he has limited cache. So he searches his memory to recall connecting to the TCP/IP tunnel of his last girlfriend — sometimes even without a secure socket. His last girlfriend always complained about his lack of comments. He fumed, "I hate commenting!" Realizing it was a program requirement, he told her she had nice bits. This resulted in a Syntax Error. Now she demanded a massage, but this was rejected as "Feature Creep." He smacked her back-end and shouted, "Who's your parent node?!" He scanned for open ports. He attempted to install a backdoor worm but her response was 403. While his data uploaded into her input device, she considered terminating the process. But instead she initiated a Do While loop where she recalled a previous boyfriend with a larger pointer. To expedite the routine routine, she screamed, "Hack into my system! Hack deep into my system! You're 1337, baby!" This caused his stack to overflow, and he shot his GUI on her interface. (Source)

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Important Theological Questions that are Answered When we understand God as essentially a Programmer....
Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on Jolt and candy bars.
On the seventh day He went home and found out His girlfriend had left Him.

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought He eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions.

Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but He is often amazed to find out what goes on in the operating system kernel.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages Him automatically and He logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project; now we are in the maintenance phase.

Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented.

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so nontechnical people are scared of him.
God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof. As soon as God has made it idiot-proof again, there's Satan building a better idiot.

Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape and into off-line storage.

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to restore you to on-line accessibility. And searching those .tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will probably just say that the tape has been lost.

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: No. There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because He values elegance and simplicity. But then the users and managers demanded He tack all this other senseless crap onto it, and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

Q: If I pray to God, will He listen?
A: You can waste His time telling Him what to do, or you can just get off His back and let Him write code in peace.

Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages. So you just have to pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.

Q: Is God angry that Jesus was crucified?
A: Let's just say He's not going to any more meetings if He can help it, because that last one with the twelve managers and the food turned out to be murder.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, your phone number, or a date than can be easily associated with you, like your birth date.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail.

Q: How can we interpret the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle?
A: A manifestation of our machine's precision limit.

Q: What was Aramaic?
A: The original Higher Order MACRO Language.

Q: What does that make Ancient Hebrew?
A: Aramaic++

Q: Why don't we see God at work?
A: God works at interrupt level, His Wonders to perform. When He wants to do something, He suspends our processes, saves our registers and status, and swaps us out. Then He works His will on the world. Finally, He executes a RFS instruction (Return From Subroutine), then He swaps us back in, restores our registers and status, and resumes our execution. To us, of course, things just appear to change by magic.

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