This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :


Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing! rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

We hope that you will be able to curtail your husbands activities, but regretfully inform you that should they continue we will have no option other than to exercise our right to refuse you and your family entrance to our Banbury store.

Your sincerely
Lisa Jones
Tesco Customer Service Team

Labels: ban, joke, shopping, tesco

 

Maybe it all the financial doom and gloom, but this made me laugh for about 5 minutes. It is a geniune email exchange.

Labels: credit crunch, invoice, money, spider

 

Found this on a site - it had loads of religious bullsh*t weaved into it, so I stripped that out and it is now pretty funny.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Never answer an anonymous letter.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Nuke the Whales.
Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
You can't have everything; where would you put it?
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
DNA: National Dyslexic Association.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
DARE to keep cops off donuts.
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
All generalizations are false.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
No matter where you go, you're there.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
It's been Monday all week.
Gravity always gets me down.
This statement is false.
Eschew obfuscation.
They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Life is too complicated in the morning.
We are all part of the ultimate statistic—ten out of ten die.
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
I intend to live forever. So far so good.
Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I
I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
Evolution: True science fiction.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.

Labels: funny, one-liners