Joke Blog

  Great One Liners
Found this on a site - it had loads of religious bullsh*t weaved into it, so I stripped that out and it is now pretty funny.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Never answer an anonymous letter.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Nuke the Whales.
Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
You can't have everything; where would you put it?
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
DNA: National Dyslexic Association.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
DARE to keep cops off donuts.
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
All generalizations are false.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
No matter where you go, you're there.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
It's been Monday all week.
Gravity always gets me down.
This statement is false.
Eschew obfuscation.
They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Life is too complicated in the morning.
We are all part of the ultimate statistic—ten out of ten die.
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
I intend to live forever. So far so good.
Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I
I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
Evolution: True science fiction.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.

Labels: ,

 
For More JOKES and FUNNY Stuff visit my previous posts and archive links on the right hand side of this page.

Google Video of the Day

Courtesy of Video.KiTT.NeT


Description
Don't you hate it when you are not sure if a question is rhetorical or not? - Christopher Gray

Brought to You in League With...

UKRifter Virtual Reality
UKRifter Virtual Reality News from the world of Oculus,
HTC Vive, Razer HDK & Playstation VR. Subscribe today!



Previous Posts
What British People Say vs What They Mean
Top 50 Funniest Jokes of All Time Ever
Stupid Things People Say in Courtrooms
Bored Man banned from Shop
Spider Drawing Invoice
Great One Liners
It'll be alright on the night
Funny Jokes for Computer Programmers
Too True
Scary Note from Daughter

Archives
June 2004 / September 2004 / October 2004 / February 2005 / April 2005 / December 2005 / March 2006 / November 2006 / January 2008 / May 2008 / June 2008 / July 2008 / November 2008 / March 2009 / September 2009 / March 2013 /

Twitter Facebook
MySpace Digg
Hit a button to share with your friends

Powered by Blogger