There are some classic jokes in this batch, I recognise some of Tommy Cooper and Peter Kay + some old groaners.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted.
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.
" That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Cling Film shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks a re too high'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's.. um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with nuts & hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"